where the hell is he?!? he's been gone 5 HOURS!!! so much for a "short lunch"....

Taking the trip tomorrow. Hopefully all will go as planned and there will be no suspision. I booked us at a hotel in the country next to the one the conference will be in.
He's gone out to lunch.... that means with someone else, doesn't it?! I was too tired to care when he told me but now that I think of it, I shouldn't have let him go >O

AsajfawunfasjkafnH0w38w4gurgn OMFG I don't know why I'm freaking out so much but he actually SAID it this time. I just feel... so unready for it!! He'll be disapointed but i'm NOT SAYING IT BACK.

I don't understand what's going on. Why the hell is he suddenly wearing Earth clothes and acting all shy again? What is GOING ON!? He's been acting so weird all of a sudden, almost like he KNOWS. Bri isn't helping either, he's making me feel really paranoid and edgy... and we keep on fighting. I never meant that he couldn't understand emotions! Dumbass... UGH. I'm tired but I need to find out more what the hell he's doing...

OMG.... I... didn't think... he had it in him to do anthing..
I guess I'm just glad right now that he's finally comfortable with me... finally on a certain closeness level...
I keep getting myself deeper into this... I know it'll just end up hurting me...

...just stay here...

I'm feeling so fucking insecure right now. With what happened, I just want to hold onto him and never let go, just so I know he'll be there.
I hate feeling needy. I hate feeling like I need to cling to something for security. I've never had those types of urdges before, and it's uncomfortable and slightly disturbing. Little things set me off too easily, and I have too much trouble showing him that he really does matter.
I hate thinking I'd feel incomplete or something if he suddenly left.

Oh my fucking god. What a shitty day.
Not only does he have an OCD major episode, but I had to freak out too. Irrationality only breeds more irrationality... although I can understand Bri's point in a way... I made a big deal out of our piety, that I'd die for my planet no matter what got in the way. I've been letting myself get in the way too much these days. I so easily encourage him to just go and find me out. Who knows what will happen when he eventually does.
Thinking about the future is stressing me out... I need to go back to sleep before I have a major melt down. All is calm for the moment, I'm not going to let it go to waste.
I'll deal with Bri tomorrow.